Walked Through Fire To Come Home

[Contributing Writer, Malia D'Alio, Seattle, WA]

Today's Lesson: The universe requires that we ALWAYS remain open minded....and more importantly, open hearted. Just when you think you have everything figured out...it will teach you otherwise.

My boyfriend and I met here in Seattle. But he grew up in the same tiny town of Mendon, Massachusetts (population 5,000) as my ex husband. In fact, they were best friends as kids. They were in cub scouts together and my mother-in-law was their cub scout leader. Dan's mom still cooks a chicken recipe that my mother-in-law gave her decades ago, and is a favorite of both of our families. They eventually lost touch when Jake and his brother went to live with their dad, and ended up going to different high schools.

Dan and I didn't know each other, or even who the other person was, until we met here in Washington this year. Jake and Dan had no prior knowledge that the other one was even living in Washington. And when I met him, Dan had just moved 2 miles away from Jake (just two neighborhoods away from me). They hadn't seen each other or spoken in well over two decades.

Once our common connections had all come to light, and Dan and I both felt there was something significant worth seeing through in our own relationship, we made Jake aware of this. He was as taken aback as we were by the unparalleled coincidences...but more importantly, he was immediately supportive and understanding. 

Our divorce took two years to finalize. It was messy in the beginning, and wrought with dysfunction and drama that I don't recommend. We were the poster children for what not to do in a divorce. But something in us both shifted simultaneously. And it was nothing short of a miraculous paradigm shift. It didn't happen because we were court ordered to get along, or because either of us had "won" (nobody wins in a divorce except the attorneys). It happened when we stopped saying we were both doing what we felt was best for our daughter...and started actually doing what was truly best for our daughter.

Jake and Leila – Birthday : this photo was taken on Leila’s 5th Birthday (May 31, 2017). We took her out for ice cream together, and it was our first time doing something together for her birthday since the divorce had started in 2016.

The more we focused on Leila and her best interests as the epicenter of our interactions...the less it became about keeping score with one another. Our daughter ceased to be a ledger of who was sacrificing more....and became what we always knew in our hearts she was truly meant to be: the one thing we did right together. 

Leila and Jake Haircut – this photo was taken after Leila got her first haircut. This also happened in 2017 and was the first time we were all together since the divorce.

Healing and growth both take their own time.

Jake reached out to Dan last week and they got together on their own to catch up, and to break the ice. They both came away from it saying and thinking the same things about one another and the entire situation...which were all very positive.

Dan had been helping me with some repairs in my family room, so Jake offered to come over and assist him this weekend. It was the first time Leila would be meeting Dan, and Jake and I both felt that given all of the underlying connections, Jake's presence there actually made sense in this context and could help to facilitate the introduction. 

I cooked up some steaks, fed my boyfriend and my ex husband lunch after they finished repairing my place...and we all laughed....perhaps at the sheer unpredictability, insane irony, and beautiful juxtaposition that has been our lives thus far. Life is too short to hold on to grudges and old wounds. And more importantly, those who have wounded us are not responsible for our healing...we are. As random and as weird as everything is on the surface, and as insane as this all sounds on paper...it just works. It all works. And somehow it makes sense.

Jake left once the work was done, and Leila took to Dan just as I knew she would. She wrote him a note thanking him and telling him she likes him. We all thanked each other today. Thanked each other for being open enough to give this a try. Thanked each other for being who we were and are to one another in this lifetime. And thanked each other for allowing us each to play whatever role we were meant to...even if those roles have changed. I wish I could freeze so much about today and preserve it in a bottle. There were so many layers, and firsts, and beautiful heart gaping, awe inspiring moments that made so many other things make sense. 

My therapist asked me when I first came to him in the beginning of our divorce, to picture that my house was on fire. The divorce and everything I was experiencing was my house on fire. And there was no way to put it out...I had to go through it. I had to walk through this fire and witness my home around me being destroyed. Some rooms would be hotter than others, some completely filled with smoke to the point that I couldn't see what was right in front of me while i was suffocating in it. There would be pockets of air and opportunities to catch my breath every now and then along the way. But I had to keep going, he said, to get to the most important person in my life. At the time I thought he was referring to my daughter. But now I realize he was talking about me. 

Today, I watched my ex husband and his hometown childhood friend (who by some stroke of fate became my boyfriend) working together on my home...while my daughter played with her dollhouse in the other room. It was a moment that held more meaning for me than I can ever express with words. It was the universe telling me "I told you I was doing all of this for a reason, and to trust that everything would be okay."

Our yesterdays may have been filled with challenge and heartache. And our tomorrows are anyone's guess. Maybe it will rain, maybe the sun will prevail, maybe both. But if today has taught me anything...it's that just when you think you have everything figured out...life will always show you there is so much more to love, and so much more to grow.

Leila and Dan drew her favorite animal together, a stingray!