My Mother's Voice

The year was 2008, I was a sophomore attending college in Hawaii. I received a phone call mid-day and it was my mother’s friend saying, “Your mom probably won’t be able to come to Hawaii, you should come home as soon as you can”. The conversation was confusing and I was filled with uneasiness and frustration, why was she telling me this? I thought, and why can’t my mom come visit?

…Rewind to a month earlier. My mom, seven months into her diagnosis with liver cancer, had been planning her trip to visit me. We had been making plans and were both excited...

I immediately called my mom upon hanging up. “Mom, what’s going on? Why did your friend call me telling me you aren’t coming to Hawaii?!” Her voice was faint and weak, she mustered enough strength to show me she was upset that her friend called me but I remember her saying “I’m just so tired, I’m very tired” and we finished our conversation. I would like to remember that our last words were “I Love You” but the next 24 hours were a blur. Rushing home, across an ocean, I made it just in time for her last breath; her age was 60. I was 21 years old. Historically speaking, I was an “adult”. She had reared me and geared me for, well... life and I said, “bring it on life, I’m ready!”

The morning after her passing, my father, brother and I made our way to the kitchen for breakfast. Somber, but happy to be in each other’s close company, we went through the motions of moving forward with our day. I gazed outside and noticed the most brilliant colored blue bird perched on our fence. The three of us huddled by the window in awe. Had we ever seen a bird so beautiful? Eventually it flew away, but in that moment, I had a profound and moving revelation that this singing and beautiful blue bird signified my mother’s presence within and around me always. Now, 10 years later, I am a new mother to a beautiful and spirited daughter, and as I also will cease to be someday, both my mother and my voice will have a forever presence in her heart.